You’re never alone. Theres mold
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ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day