Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.

[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]

I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming

The $40 delivery fee for my Ben and Jerry’s is steep, but I admit I picked the Lamborghini to impress my neighbors.

7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?

me: i guess so

7: and because she likes books?

me: um…yeah

7: but at least she’s pretty right?

me: …let’s watch moana instead

I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.

i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent

Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”

I believe in workplace drug testing.

That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.

Let’s test which one works faster.

I wonder if any student will ever top this email.

(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia

he was correct

He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.

On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.

Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?

[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen

if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts

Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.

doctor: describe your morning routine

me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance

doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g

me: I know how to spell it

I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.

Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”

Finish the sentence here:

📷: elevasseur

Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded

I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.

I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.

God: you’re a giraffe.

Giraffe: why is my neck so long?

God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.

Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!

[monkey climbs a nearby tree]

Giraffe:

God: you weren’t supposed to see that.

I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed

what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night

my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”

One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.

Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.

Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.