@QwertyJones3

“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”

“No whey!”

You Might Also Like

@shkeeber

“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”

*slams phone*

Why do I keep calling that parrot?!

@PhilJamesson

Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me

@envydatropic

WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?

Me watching recorded TV shows

@BraandoCommando

[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there

@QwertyJones3

Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?

“No thanks.”

Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…

“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”

@kristygee

I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.

@not_delicate

Dance like everyone is watching and secretly recording you in a video that is bound to go viral for all the wrong reasons

@_Water_Baby

You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.

@rachelle_mandik

most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english

@Marcmywords2

I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.