“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
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Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
his wife is probably gonna see that
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope