Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT

ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”

DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well

ME: thanks tell my wife I love her

the three branches of government

*ernest hemingway voice*

*replies to everyone’s subtweets

“I love you too baby”

This story lives rent free in my head:

Lord of the Rings star Sean Astin once asked Lesnie [LotR cinematographer] ‘where is the light coming from? ‘ when they were shooting in what should have been a darkened tower.

Lesnie replied, “Same place as the music.”

WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly

Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.

ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.

MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.

Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”

Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.

Alex Trebek: In which category?

Me: No question. I just need $1,600.

My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.

[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip

hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u

Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.

Family:

M:

Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.

[at therapist]

I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible

Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?

4: Mom can I have a snack?

Me: Yeah hang on

4: Did you mean yes?

Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother

moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed

I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle Sam

Dr Seuss’s CPA

What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave

Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.

Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.

marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other

No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.

When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:

“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”

I come from a long line of successful people.

I decided to stop that tradition.

Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.

My enemy threatened to send one armed man after me, but I’m not worried

I have two arms and should easily overpower him