You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
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Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist