You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
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No self control, must pet the kitty 😂
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
Me: ok, you boys need a break from screens, I’m taking you to the playground.
My sons: Sure, can we just finish this YouTube video?
Me: *checks* You are 11 mins into a 2hrs 30min video!
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
My wife has the worst taste in men.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
If it’s half price I consider the calories are half off too
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
Obituaries should have clickbait titles
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?