Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.

The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.

Captain: relax, it’s just a title

Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU

Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?

Amateur.

I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.

I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.

The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.

[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]

“what are you doing inside my house?”

You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.

I wish my hair had as much volume as my mouth.

“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”

Well I sure as shit felt better at 21 so imma call bullshit

I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.

I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.

Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?

MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u

I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament

Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.

i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far

In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.

i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t

4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.

Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?

4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.

Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.

Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too

[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”

[in living room]

Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it

After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.

Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore

Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7

Me: same thing

My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.