You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
You Might Also Like
This comic I made in 2015 is my dads favorite comic in the entire world and every October he asks me to post it again… happy Halloween dad 🎃
Am I having a stroke?
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
Hate when the person sitting next to me on the subway notices me shamelessly reading their texts and starts tilting it out of my view like c’mon lemme have a lil read it’s just me c’mon who am I gonna tell it’s only me
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
I’m the picture of health, but not a very flattering picture. I’m the passport photo of health.
when i was a teenager my dad said “never feel guilty about not working, the rich dont feel guilty about it so why should you?” and it was a cool bit of parenting advice i think
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: ＷＥ ＤＥＭＡＮＤ ＳＯＵＰ
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.