You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
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bought wrong eggs
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
crying at my desk while also finding time to cry in the shower makes for a healthy work-life balance
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
me: he walking like a cold duck
other friend: with his freezin duck ass
another friend: cold duck much??
friend who always ruins the riffing with something serious: guys what side are your appendix on?
That’s the last time I volunteer in Karate class.
sounds kinky. i’m in.
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor: