Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.

I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.

i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii

Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.

[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]

Technically, all the money I have ever spent on food has been flushed down the toilet.

ME: It’s a vampire movie set in ancient Rome

PRODUCER: Keep talking

ME: called Vladiator

HIM: Get out

[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”

Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL

[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything

Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean

Voila

Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten

Ah quiet

Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?

I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?

[first date]

Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*

Me: *gets up and leaves*

(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)

me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me

vet: this is a hyena

Stonehenge is vulnerable to vandalism because it’s too easily accessible. If our ancestors had possessed any common sense they wouldn’t have built an important monument so close to a major road like the A303.

Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming

Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.

You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word

My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it

“5 second rule lol.” -me, first day as a heart transplant surgeon

[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend

You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care

worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost

[first day as a detective]

me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?

zz top: yes sir

me: and she knows how to use them?

zz top: that’s right

me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning

CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?

WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s

CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda

Squeak, squeak, squeak!

spider: sup

me: omg stay away

spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider

me: there’s good spiders?

spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you

Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off

This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.