Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

don’t message me unless you have this energy

[first date]

Him: I love Asian girls

Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eye

Him: No, not like that

WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol

Me: Go to bed

4-year-old: But I have questions!

Me: You’re stalling

4: I need to know!

Me: What?

4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?

I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁

My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.

[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”

Interviewer: who are these people with you?

Me: My squad.

My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.

Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.

Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.

I threw away garbage.

In the garbage can.

The day after garbage day.

My husband is horrified with me.

Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.

Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?

Astronomer: No, comet.

God making Khaki

God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down

Angel: Nice!

G: But it shows every pee drip

A: Hilarious!

It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.

It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.

– Doctors

So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?

Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.

[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.

Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.

wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no

[etched on my tombstone]

THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW

Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.

Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?

Me: Because she agrees with me.

Also me, to me: Is he always like this?

[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k

Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.

I bet i could still be a stuntman

[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]

Okay maybe not

what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?

Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.

Me: And…the other thing?

Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.

My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.

“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.

I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.