Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.

Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath

Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”

I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children

Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.

[showing off my distressed jeans]

jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH

is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?

the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.

Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.

6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*

Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!

I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.

Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.

him: I think we should see other people

me: is that on hulu or netflix

Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.

Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.

Boss: ….?

A couple I know went hiking for their 25th anniversary which sounded shady to me.

Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god

There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.

When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.

*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*

Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”

I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.

A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.

My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.

Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.

governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert

Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.

Might start signing off emails with ‘well I hope you’re happy’

Today my friend who cuts my hair told me last year my husband walked in to the salon one afternoon and said “I want to dye my hair blonde but I don’t want to look like I’m going through a personal crisis. Do you think we can accomplish that?”

“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”

{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”

Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.