you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
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Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
When you explain your code to a rubber duck and it starts asking better questions than your product manager. Now that’s debugging at it’s finest.
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
[abruptly stops playing my air banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME?
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.