You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
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Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
Someone just threatened to call me later
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle