Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.

he was correct

My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.

2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.

I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.

Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:

– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan

My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.

By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.

*speed dating*

I’m a competitive eater!

Date: Are you any good?

[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask

I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.

me: you can’t take a joke

joke thief: what

Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets

[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”

[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]

Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.

*during sex

Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?

Me: Nope. Way better.

*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs

me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”

MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.

*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.

*Returns to couch.

*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.

My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.

ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best

I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.

I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.

Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”

When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.

Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.

Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.

i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”

I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.

Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.