You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
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this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
my name if I was in the mob
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
notice
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list