You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
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Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
NEW YORKERS: we need more housing
DEVELOPERS: you mean, like, little baby apartments?
NEW YORKERS: no, real housing
DEVELOPERS: we made the little baby apartments.
NEW YORKERS:
DEVELOPERS: you cannot afford them.
NEW YORKERS:
DEVELOPERS: they are “luxury” 😆
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
My toddler learned to say COWBOY over the weekend and now every conversation is like this:
Me: would you like some milk to drink?
Toddler: no! Cowboy!
Me: I’m sorry. Would the cowboy like some milk?
Toddler: 🤠 yes 🤠
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.