You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
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My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
✨☝️✨
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
Currently in the moving elevator when I noticed this sign
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
What does a Thesaurus eat for breakfast?
A synonym roll.
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat