You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
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Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.