Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…

…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.

*destroys head of lettuce*

*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*

Roadtrip thread:

We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.

ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew

MORTICIAN: you’re so fired

I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…

INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat

ME: omg was I supposed to bring one

I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.

My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.

In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot

when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to

They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.

My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”

Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times

COP: do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no

Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:

Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.

A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.

If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now

SCARY COSTUME

What I say: No!

What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.

trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs

[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday

every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life

I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.

It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.

I am a bear.

Ok, but like, how married are you?

“We need a machine that can count all these damn geigers.” – guy who invented the geiger counter

Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions

Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.