You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
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[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
He died doing what he loved: being alive
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
Staying in an AirBNB: “The key is buried in the yard, use the pink metal detector to find it. Kitchen has 3 utensils you’ve never seen before and 7 bottles of spices no one likes. The rabid wolverine in the crawl space is friendly. Please re-tile the shower when you check out.”
So proud of my daughter for getting the lead role in The Tempest. Today’s performances will be during homework and bedtime.
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
A sick whale is called an unwhale
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
