Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.

Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?

CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.

I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.

In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM

Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.

didn’t even know there was an election going on. as a registered voter in the state of pennsylvania, i wish someone could text me 12-15 times a day in an increasingly desperate tone about this upcoming event, which i had forgotten about

My neck of the woods. My leg of the desert. My bellybutton of the meadow.

I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*

*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up

Delicious if literal: in a pickle.

I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.

Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.

Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?

Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.

Husband: So get the blue stuff?

Me: Yes.

I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.

I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.

Writing, She Murdered.

Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm

PLEASE READ

Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*

2019: Crowd surfing

2020: Channel surfing

You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”

Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?

My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.

Asked my coworker what’s wrong & he said “I’m tired of faking that I like you guys” & honestly? Mood.

I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.

washing hands before coronavirus:

– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off water

washing hands after coronavirus:

– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one

Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.

Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?

when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse

Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.

Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief

Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.