You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.

You’re hopeless.

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*intercom comes on* “Would the owner of a white Jetta with headlight eyelashes please report to the front desk so u can be shot in the face”


I never give homeless people drugs because I know they’re just going to trade them for food


Cop: Can you explain how you got here?

Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born

Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?


therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear

me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet



Her: OMG my dad keeps texting me he’s so annoying

Me: [hoping to impress her] yeah he’s a piece of shit


[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen


ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!

SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!

ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!

SPOUSE: *already running*


When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.


If I wanted a more difficult pet I would choose a bird over a baby any day. At least it’s acceptable to day drink with your parrot.