You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
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Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).