You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
You Might Also Like
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
cat faces on other animals, a thread
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
I don’t want to forget anything so I always make a list before I go to the supermarket:
1. Get shopping
2. Pay for shopping
3. Come home
I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at the park.
She sells c-cells by the seesaw
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off