You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
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Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
I forgot the word “espresso” so I asked the barista for a smaller, angrier coffee
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your house or an almost empty one.
There’s no in-between.
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
I shut down my rodent removal business. No more Mr. Mice Guy.
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
Them: Good morning
Me: Where?
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass