Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*

I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.

You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last

maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.

These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.

Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.

To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri

I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.

[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?

PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em

😂🐾

The fastest mammal on earth is me when I’m retweeting your typo tweet.

Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?

9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.

Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.

Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.

My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.

Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right

Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside

I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.

I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.

Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.

A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”

In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard

Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.

This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL

[prison]

me: I think I’m breaking out

cell mate: no way that’s insane

me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad

11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back

MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT

Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.

What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”

there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭

Bad joke of the day:

How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.