Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
You Might Also Like
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.