@SaltyCorpse

You’re not a real parent until you’ve secretly wished your child’s sports team does bad in a tournament so you can go home early.

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@nbadag

me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that

@heatherlou_

I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly

@zachv86

i saw this homeless guy talking to himself and i was like, “who is he talking to?” then i thought “who am I talking to?”

@Ivsy01

People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.

@callmeEvian

Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.

@shkeeber

I’m sorry I burned down your house, but the Mythbusters told me not to try it at home and you should really lock your doors when you go out.

@_missmoll414

My mother has been called for jury duty. The woman sits on her deck w/a BB gun shooting at deer for eating her flowers. Buckle up defendants

@OctopusCaveman

Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy

Doctor: Which Guy?

@KateWhineHall

If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.