You’re not a real parent until you’ve secretly wished your child’s sports team does bad in a tournament so you can go home early.

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me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that


I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly


i saw this homeless guy talking to himself and i was like, “who is he talking to?” then i thought “who am I talking to?”


People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.


Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.


I’m sorry I burned down your house, but the Mythbusters told me not to try it at home and you should really lock your doors when you go out.


My mother has been called for jury duty. The woman sits on her deck w/a BB gun shooting at deer for eating her flowers. Buckle up defendants


Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy

Doctor: Which Guy?


If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.