Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!

Me: I don’t gossip.

I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation

Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!

Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?

I told my therapist I was upset she raised her rates again and she said that while I can’t control the situation, I can do something to control my reaction.

*swipes right on my hand mirror

I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall

YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing

Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?

welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder

“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!

HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please

M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– that one time you tried to get in on the friend group’s riff and your joke bombed so hard that it changed the whole vibe

met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”

HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN

Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok

Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.

her: i saw a shark walking along the beach

me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen

Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?

I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.

My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.

opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve

I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.

15: I found a great song. Do you want to hear it?
M: Absolutely.
15: It’s called “Everybody Wants to Rule the World” by Tears for Fears.
M: *sings the entire song at the top of my lungs & dances around the living room*
15: Okay. I don’t like the song anymore.

Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.

My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.

Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”

All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.

They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.

My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.