You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
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I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
Have you ever taken a nap so good you think you’ve missed the school bus but it’s Sunday and you’re 56
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
My Australian friend: We don’t have 4th of July here
Me: so you just go from the 3rd to the 5th? That’s weird
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
*trying to remember something*
brain: put your hands on hips
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.