You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
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The biggest lesson I learned while drunk is that one should never put the chips in the same cabinet as the cheese grater
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
Why do people brag about how little sleep they get?
“Yeah I only get like 3 or 4 hours a night”
Cool man, I guess I’ll just… continue having a better life than yours
Why do you assume it’s invalid to “Make stuff up” during an argument? It shows initiative and creativity
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
Neighbor: My daughter is in Pre-K.
Me: So she’s in J?
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual