Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*swipes right by accident*

Him: You’re not really my type.

Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.

Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?

FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?

ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No

It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.

Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”

[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.

genie: what is your first wish

me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice

genie: [kermit the frog voice] why

shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me

me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want

me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah

Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.

interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired

me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood

If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”

Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head

My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream

Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.

After: sit down.

@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.

Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.

Well played ladies, well played.

Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.

If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.

Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?

Waiter: of course monsieur

Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer

Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad

Sponch

Potatoes were such a good idea

Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it

you will never catch me dying in a cave or whilst climbing Mount Everest. you know who hasn’t suffered a gruesome death far in the caverns below ground? me, because I’m in my jim-jams, reading

This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.

What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?

how many bears make up a bear minimum