You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
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nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
genius
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!