Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.

I just saw three bowls of dessert.

I think they were thrice pudding.
#RateMyPun
#LunchPun

Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”

I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.

Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.

Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.

Now, everyone come help me find Carl.

the internet really was better 18 years ago

ㅤ

WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.

WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.

Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.

“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years

Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back

Me: So what do you do?

Date: I work with animals

Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun

And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is

{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?

BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.

Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.

We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.

I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks

LADIES, imagine this.

It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.

“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”

I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.

A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.

“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.

And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”

[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle

Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group

God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?

Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad

My husband met us at the park and surprised me with a large iced coffee and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I just had a large iced coffee so now I’m vibrating and going to piss myself

me: my car makes a funny noise

mechanic: that’s the horn

My husband just got a new job so he got sent some COBRA forms in the mail.

Husband: We don’t actually need COBRA, though, my health insurance already started.

4yo: YES WE DO NEED A COBRA