You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
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Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
Due to unfortunate circumstances things are no longer fergalicious nor bootylicious
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
How often were people sneezing into salad bars before they invented the sneeze guard?
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
The two most popular things to do on the internet are argue about politics and looking at naked people
Million dollar website idea: combine both — naked people arguing about politics
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
I have just finished interviewing a young man for a job at my workplace.
I asked him, “Can you perform under pressure?”
He replied: “Im not sure, but I do an amazing Bohemian Rhapsody!”
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”