Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*at lawyer’s office*

Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon

*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!

A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”

Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”

Yup

Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.

Monday

Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*

spider: yeah that way’s fine too

I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out

I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.

For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.

Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.

Smoke Detector: CHIRP

*replaces battery*

Smoke Detector: CHIRP

*takes battery back out*

Smoke Detector: CHIRP

*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*

Smoke Detector: CHIRP

Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER

Smoke Detector:

Me:

Smoke Detector: CHIRP

why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead

“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”

My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household

I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body

me: hey have you seen my keys?

patient I just operated on: no

me: go like this *wiggles*

[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me

My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.

The BMI chart says that for my height I should weigh 160 lbs.

My skeleton weighs 160 lbs.

This came to me in a dream.

I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.

Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040

Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car

I forced her to tell me what I was to her

Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored

of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten

Still the weirdest shit to me how the mario movie did the “aw I just want my dad to support me and my dream” plot but instead of like being a musician, Mario wants to be a plumber. Which is a pretty grounded reasonable thing to want to do.

It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you

I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.

If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.

Dead animal names:

A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon