Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.

[At the restaurant]

Her: Can you pass the salt, please?

Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.

Beware of fowl play.

Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?

Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.

Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”

me: turtles stole my pizza today

therapist: interesting

me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas

therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES

Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.

I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.

Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.

[GOD CREATING DUCKS]

Give that chicken a kazoo.

Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?

Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?

Deacon: How do you feel about knives?

My CW just barked.

Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.

Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean

Voila

Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten

Ah quiet

her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot

Oh, you fell in love?!

I fell in my bathtub.

imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it

Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.

I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.

Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.

Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time

told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco

I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.

Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.

Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..

How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.

*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*

Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?

Me: I’d use the elevators

Hiring Manager:

Me: Elevators, Sir.

I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters

If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.

Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn

Was dancing with a lad last night, and his mates dragged him away for the last train home… he said “my names Maff I’m from Kettering, find me”… imagine if life were that easy 😅

[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]

HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please

ME: six