You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
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I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
Me: [right before a hurricane hits] ugh I just washed the car
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
I hate when an old man tries to friend me on Facebook and then I realize we went to high school together
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
your honor if it pleases the court i brought homemade brownies for everyone
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
*gently puts my sense of humor in rice*
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent