Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir

The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.

Mars: I have a boyfriend

Student email: “hello…”

Student extension request email: “your grace…”

Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect

It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge

I hate everything

Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.

Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.

cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi

Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school

Pinocchio: WTF, dude?

Mom always said I had a special power. How did she put it? Oh yeah…

“Constant super-vision”

I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.

What a cute baby, what’s her name?

“Ethel”

She’s gonna make a great grandmother

I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.

Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?

I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.

i can’t work under these festive conditions

When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire

Always tell people different stories about yourself so when they talk about you they’ll argue

Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.

INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no

Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.

Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’

But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’

So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit

[on the phone]

Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.

CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?

[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box

💻🤡

(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”

“Honey, bunches of oats–”

“I think we’re done here.”

Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.

If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.

People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”