You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
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Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
Asked a guy who had clearly just finished a run how long he’s been into running and he was like “an hour?” And I was like no I mean in your life? And he was like “my run was an hour long”
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.