You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
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I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat