You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
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Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think