@rebrafsim

You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical

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@offbeatoliv

My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter

@Sickayduh

“That damn Lassie said Timmy fell down a ruffruffruff”

“Relax, honey. I’m sure she means well”

@_Enanem_

Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.

@BlindChow

singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*

me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!

friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!

@TupacShakurLC

Today in 1993, Tupac shot 2 off-duty police officers in Atlanta when he saw them harassing a black man. All charges were later dropped because they were drunk and in possession of stolen guns they took from an evidence room.

@Marlebean

I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.

-“I’m 21.”

Omg eww, get away from me!

@brichie13

“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”

@LaetPO

Tragic News: Plane carrying Donald Trump underwent massive turbulence, lost engine power, stalled, but landed safely.