You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
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The One that Got Away… a memoir of a french fry lost in a crevice beside the driver’s seat and the aroma that made it impossible to forget.
Can’t. Just put my hair in a bun and that’s just about enough exercise for today.
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
i could never be president. im overqualified.
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
Roses are red,
Wine is red,
Poems are hard,
Wine.(Not mine, but very lovely)
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.