Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.

Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away

BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record

[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt

The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.

Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.

Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun

Me: What happened to all the bourbon?

Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.

Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.

When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face

I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.

An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it

First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.

Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.

I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic

“baby on board” ok well can you tell him to drive faster

Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.

hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do

heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt

heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat

[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Aww

me*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!

Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party

Also, I tried Ambien

My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.

Gonna turn my life around!

[10 min later]

Oh well, I tried.

I am having fish and chips for lunch.

*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*

8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?

Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.

8 year old: I know, but you do.

me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this

waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?

Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.

[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]

wife: how did the interview go?!

me: terrible

wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?

me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster

Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”

The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.

My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.

[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really