You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
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Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
Sometimes I’ll buy one of those really big bags of posh Tyrells Crisps and think “why, this amount of crisps will last me three, maybe four days?”. But then I will sit down with the big bag of crisps, and I will enter into what might medically be referred to as a “crisp trance”.
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
is this meant to deter me
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.