You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
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jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
It never occurs to people too stupid to look both ways before stepping into the street that other, just-as-stupid people might be behind the wheel of a car.
Anyway, I need to find a carwash.
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
If caterpillars can become a melted sack of goo, and turn it around to become fabulous, so can you
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
Limited budget
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
SMS passcode is 1477178 in case anyone needed it. They said to not share it but I’m trying to live in an abundance mindset
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme