Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.

My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.

Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….

If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.

date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes

When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?

Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.

[eraser factory]

BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?

ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself

not sure why we don’t use this thing more often

Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat

CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me

my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕

Me: I’ve got distressed genes.

Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.

M: Have you met my family?

My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?

Nope.

Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.

Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.

Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.

Me: Nachos.

Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.

Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?

a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.

[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.

I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.

*plays Eye of the Tiger*

*starts runni…*

*yeah, screw this*

Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.

Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs

Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒

[devil’s first day on the job]

human: so i get anything I want?

devil: yes

human: and all you want is my shoe?

devil: just the bottom part, but yes

2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you

Me, handing out Halloween candy

What my back needs

Bootstraps

*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it

[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls

struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]

I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.