You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
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PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
Did you know that cows kill more people than sharks?
I’m surprised that cows kill any sharks at all.
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
Found this absolute gem on the floor at work???
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
How dare you just go on the internet and make a post specifically about you and your situation. Don’t you know other people have situations????
Don’t listen to gmail, little password. You are strong.
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
I am on my second week of biweekly pay so today I will be showing you how to make a quesadilla out of paper towels
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES