You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
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In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
not to brag, but mine was free
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”