You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
You Might Also Like
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
The guy I’m training thinks he’s going to take my job by undermining me, listen, buddy, you can have it.
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
When I moved into my new igloo, my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
Now I’m homeless.#dadjokes #dadjoke #puns
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
Big up the 12 yr old kid on my daughter’s school camping trip who has mistakenly got my number listed in her phone as my daughter’s number and so has been texting me from her tent at midnight and 2am going SO WHAT’S THE PLAN?
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
It was the becestershire of times, it was the worcestershire of times.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.