You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
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BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
Okay I try very hard to be respectful of the gentle parenting camp but I laughed out loud at this.
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!