You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
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My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
worst…sale…ever
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
Had an Airbus A320 in with some fuselage damage. Benny in maintenance didn’t have the parts, so he had to do a few adjustments and a spot of riveting. The airline will never know.
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
Fact: In the U.K., many Air Traffic Controllers don’t work in airports, but in buildings miles away. Whereas in France, most Air Traffic Controllers don’t work at all.
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.