You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
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Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
Now who done made this a sport lmao
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
