You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
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COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
I’m not lazy… I just don’t have the desire to come up with a more accurate way to describe myself right now
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me