You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
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Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something