You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
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I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
Drove past Sheffield a few times over the years & always wondered what they were building with all the cranes. Every year the cranes were there & I said to my husband how long have they been building there? The look on his face when he told me it was a crane yard.
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
I’m not sure what the record is for hotdog eating contests, but the record for tofu dog eating is less than one.
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
New word: Biscgret.
Meaning: The feeling when someone offers you a biscuit and you refuse, and you spend the rest of your time with them secretly wishing you’d accepted the biscuit.
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
Stephen King’s It is the bone chilling story about adults who are forced to spend time with their childhood friends.
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
just woke up in a cold sweat screaming “WHY DIDN’T HAWK TUAH GIRL CALL IT SPITCOIN”
I…do not understand how electricity works.
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-