You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
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You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
Listen, it took 5 Guys to make that burger. That’s why it’s $16.99.
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
“your password is too weak” just wait until you see my impulse control
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.