Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have caller ID for the front door.

If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.

[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho

There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.

I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.

*Writes a song for you*

*Sings it under your bedroom window*

*You call the cops*

*Your husband falls in love with me*

[first date]

HER: ask me anything..

ME: are you paying for dinner?

hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.

I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.

Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.

Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.

Bill is short for Billiam

My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.

Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking

Boss: are you sticking to the schedule

Death: yeah of course

Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares

Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy

Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed

“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”

Guys named Geoff.

Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce

Waitress: mayo?

Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce

SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*

THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.

accurate

Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.

I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷‍♀️

WB: We want you to play the Penguin.
Colin Farrell: OK.
WB: But you’ll have to wear a ton of uncomfortable prosthetics for long periods of time.
Farrell: Sure.

*3 years later*

Farrell: I didn’t sign up for this.

My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?

Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.

Kid: huh?

Me: I said, when we went to the park.

HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?

ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’

If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.

A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face

“I wasn’t born yesterday.”

-hilarious talking baby

Live, Laugh, Love

Leer, Lunge, Lactate

Do things that start with L

ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?

BOSS: Well, yes.

ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?

Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂