you’re not fooling anyone
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Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
Work crush came by to drop off zip ties while I was on the phone so I missed the opportunity to smile creepily and say “sorry we had to ask, I just don’t keep zip ties around… anymore.” Bc that’s how I flirt.
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
Who called them bad decisions and not instinks?
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this