you’re not fooling anyone
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[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
And now…a ‘joke’.
Why was the demon in hospital?
It was having its GHOULbladder removed…*coughs*
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
I forgot who said it first but it is indeed crazy that Uhaul will rent you a 27 ft truck with no training whatsoever
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses