you’re not fooling anyone
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If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
could’ve been anyone
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
BaD BoY!!
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
why neck hurt
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
[When my kids have ignored my text for 2 hours]
Me: I would appreciate a reply, please.
[When I have ignored my kids’ texts for more than 5 seconds]
Kids:
hello??
??
??
???
pls
plss
wya
??
???
BRO
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.