you’re not fooling anyone
You Might Also Like
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
Covid like
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
Discovered there’s a Bermuda Triangle in our house where all the cups and dishes go missing. Have renamed it “13yo’s Bedroom.”
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that