You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
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Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
One could argue in court that “i’m coming for you” has at least two different possible meanings
dutch so unserious
I don’t have a yoga mat, but I have a Twister mat, and it’s the same thing.
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
Been fired from my job in the sewer. Twenty years down the drain.
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.