You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
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Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
I miss childhood because my back didn’t hurt and I didn’t have to make dinner every night
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
If you drink a lot of water, you won’t have time for other people’s drama because you’ll be too busy looking for a bathroom.
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
A bold strategy
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
