You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
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If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
Pat Sajak: I’m Pat Sajak.
Me: Jack.
Pat Sajak: No, my last name is Sajak.
Me: Jack
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
The mayor of Toronto wants us to return to in-person work to help cut down on crime in the city but unless most of us are employed as Batman I’m not sure the plan will unfold as she expects
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
New comic up. “Ransom”
Explaining to my wife that she should induce labor now so our son will be the first kid named Cybertruck.
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom