You’re not going to believe this, but yesterday I slipped on a banana peel, grabbed a vine to keep from falling, swung across some quicksand and landed by a delicious apple pie that had just been put on the windowsill to cool.
You Might Also Like
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
Always…
A colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence.
For example:
– Jill ate her friend’s sandwich.
– Jill ate her friend’s colon.
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
To all staff: the library now uses new programs for collaboration, project management, scheduling, and messaging. Each has different password requirements with 12-factor authentication. This will boost productivity for the 20 minutes a day that you’re not logging into something.
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
What I said: No you cannot take a stuffie on your field trip today.
What my kid heard: Sure, but take one of your brother’s in case you lose it.
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
those beautiful naked women have made a compelling argument i’m going to steer this ship into the rocks
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”