You’re not going to believe this, but yesterday I slipped on a banana peel, grabbed a vine to keep from falling, swung across some quicksand and landed by a delicious apple pie that had just been put on the windowsill to cool.
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I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
Still my favourite meme.