You’re not going to believe this, but yesterday I slipped on a banana peel, grabbed a vine to keep from falling, swung across some quicksand and landed by a delicious apple pie that had just been put on the windowsill to cool.
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Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
Florida man
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
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Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
She was rare, like a properly pronounced street name from a GPS
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
Can everyone please turn their A/C off during the day we need that power to generate images of people with eight fingers.
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
Grew big
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
date: I’m a really big people person
frankenstein: omg, same
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me