“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
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My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
It’s 97 degrees outside and my kids want to sit in the hot tub. The devil needs to come pick up his children
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
Excerpt from my fantasy novel. Reminder to editors: new authors pour their souls into their manuscripts. Feedback like “Did you spend all your time inventing the elf language?” and “I think you spent too much time making the elf language” is NOT helpful
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up