“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
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I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
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WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
Never mind a Roomba, I need a robot garbage can that will follow my kids around the house all day.
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
one week till the election
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
If you purchase flame retardant pants, you can tell all the f****ng lies you want.
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
I really don’t get enough praise for someone who doesn’t need validation from others.
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
lmfao
