“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
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If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
Webb. James Webb.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
“I’d do okay in prison,” I say, absently wiping down the lid of a soup can because a rat may have scampered across it somewhere in the supply chain
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”