You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
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Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
I brushed my hair and put on mascara to go look for a tree. Sup trees, how YOU doin
My friend is an excellent librarian.
Me: whoa look at the size of that spider!
Hostess: want me to get you a tissue for it?
Me: why…did it sneeze?
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.