Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.

Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY

*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking

I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”

Looking for a plus one for my wedding.

Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.

My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!

Judge: Order in the court

[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?

All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.

Co-worker: How are you today?

Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*

My kid’s school thought 15 spirit days in the month of December was a good idea and now we’re one step closer to homeschooling.

For newbies

DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subway

always here to help! All day 👍

SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery

[me 3 months later]

I think he had a brewery

ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.

[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”

people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago

Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.

Freddie Mercury, Venus Williams, and Bruno Mars walk into a bar.

They didn’t planet that way.

her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes

Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now

The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together

[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago

My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone

My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation

Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us

Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no

pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign

“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:

Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.

Shit.

I think my cats hate people as much as I do.

Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.

5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?

Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating