Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the prophecies have been fulfilled

I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now

There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.

I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”

waiter: do you have any questions about the menu

me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats

i can’t work under these festive conditions

At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.

October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.

I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.

Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.

They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!

If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.

No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body

I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today

Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.

All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion

Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.

If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks

Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.

My Cinderella story is backward.

I started out a princess.

Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.

Now I scrub the floors.

every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know

I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions

I’m sorry mrs jackson
I am four eels

I didn’t mean to make your daughter cry
I am several fish and not a guy

Oh, so you’re a human?

name three pictures with traffic lights in them

Mom says she’s watching a video about dating fossils.

I wonder if that’s how she met Dad?

Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain

Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain

Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck

I ordered mushrooms on my pizza.

When do they kick in?

casually asking “how do you think you’d do as a pole vaulter” on a first date

Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials

Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?

Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.