“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
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me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
put goat milk on the menu, everyone cheers
put goat juice on the menu, you get a visit from the health inspector
what’s that about
🤝
Tuesday
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
I hate when my cat runs into my bedroom and hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in my bathtub holding a crucifix.
Waitress shouted after me for not paying and like an idiot I said, “you too!”
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.