You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
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I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
He died doing what he loved: being alive
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
The name Ella is short for Mozzarella
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
Can’t I’m too busy trying to decide if my sunglasses are crooked or if it’s just my face
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.