Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.

Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?

people who separate your hahahas into ha ha ha, whats going on there

My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.

Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?

*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST

When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?

Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.

Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.

I have a place for everything. The floor.

The 9 circles of hell:

9) limbo

8) lust

7) gluttony

6) greed

5) anger

4) heresy

3) violence

2) fraud

1) shopping on Black Friday

“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”

Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer

911: omg

Me: omg

911: “an” murderer haha

Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it

I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.

Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?

Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.

Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.

Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.

10 minutes later:

Me: So… I snore??

the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks

ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.

MY BRAIN:

I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.

My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke

ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.

smh

Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”

I can see how that would be whiskey.

Do you have to wine about it though?

RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?

ME (has a degree in computer science): No

My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home

[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish

1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse

[throws salad into a garden]

Go home boy…you’re free now.