You’re not my real can
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I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
Do you ever look at someone and think I’d like to be like that when I grow up and then realise that you’re the same age?
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
Got lectured today from my doctor about my glucose level. I knew I should’ve studied more for that blood test.
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
Them crunching noisily: These cookies you made are huge!
Me: those are chocolate chip pancakes
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy