You’re not my real can
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*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
Pretty much. 🤣
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Living the best life.. 😊
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
This line from Airplane.
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead