You’re not my real can
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been hearing a lot of friends say they’re planning on avoiding the internet tomorrow. not me! it’s gonna be christmas morning for hall of fame bad posts on here. we’re talking takes so bafflingly stupid we can’t even imagine. and i need them all beamed directly into my brain.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
don’t message me unless you have this energy
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
Wife: Did you hear what I said?
Me: No, I was in a different room.
Wife: If you couldn’t hear me, why did you let me keep talking?
Me: …
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.