You’re not my real can
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Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
Him: Uh… you were gone for a while.
Her: I had to reorganize your kitchen before we got intimate.
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
This could be us but you eatin’
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.