You’re not my real can
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Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
Started answering all spam texts/calls of “is this so and so?” with “no, this is Patrick.”
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”