You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
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My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
Had to submit my CV for something and they asked why there was a three month gap between finishing school and starting university lol
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
You think you’re ageing well and then you feel an earlobe hair blowing in the wind
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
I like slipping notes into suggestion boxes saying things like “send for help, i’m stuck in this suggestion box”
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
why am I working on Labor Day
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.