You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
You Might Also Like
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
I am travelling in the Mexican wilderness and have been accepted into a pack of pumas!
They protected me last night while I slept. Deeply honoured to say I think they are are also happy to let me have some of their breakfa
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
