You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
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90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
He-man has a Masters degree
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog