You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
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Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
It has been 3 years since Monday.
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.