“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
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Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
[Biker gang initiation]
Hey fellas, do I use baseball or hockey cards in my spokes
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
Waffles are just pancakes with abs.
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
Monica just destroyed the internet
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus