“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
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I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
What do you mean “Just Standing There Glaring And Hissing At People” doesn’t count as socializing
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.