“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
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Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
when revenge coincides with naptime
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
good morning
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
What are some weird things about living in the modern world?
I’m a regular customer of a restaurant that I’ve never been to.
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
My 6yo told me just before bed she had a quiz the next day so when I questioned why she didn’t tell me when I asked her if she had homework earlier she said “You asked me if I had homework, not a quiz, duh.”
In other news, there’s a kid on sale on eBay.
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.